Funny Quotes

“What are three words you would use to describe your mother? Mine is dead, never coming back, and was a good woman.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

“The other day, my wife asked me how long a minute is. I couldn’t answer her!” – Steve Martin

“Puns are the highest form of literature.” – Alfred Hitchcock

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck

Sometimes my mind can be a dangerous neighborhood, but I try not to let my thoughts run wild. Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that proves that someone else has ever succeeded in anything. Unknown

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Joan Rivers

Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift. Bob Marley

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. Harry Truman

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it…

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just need to live. Steve Maraboli

I don’t know what my problem was, but I used to wake up at night with this terrible fear that there was nobody in the house and I was all alone. Then I realized that there was a stranger living with me, sleeping in my bedroom – me! Jay Leno

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand!

I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. George Burns

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Tom Clancy

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. Fran Lebowitz

How come there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food? Jerry Seinfeld

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. Wayne Dyer

To be loved is to be fortunate, but to love another person is pure grace. Merete Mueller

My friends are the kind that if the house was burning down, they’d make smores and invite everyone over.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Doing a little work around the house. Like moving bodies from one room to another.

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

The future is much like the present, only longer.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.

I’m not afraid of death; it just doesn’t seem like a good idea.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house… the other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

You don’t have to be faster than the bear… you just have to be faster than your hiking partner!

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it, so I said ‘Implants?’ and she hit me.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

I’m addicted to placebos.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

When nothing is going right, go left.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… but learning to dance in the rain.

You know what I like about office supplies? Everything!

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam… I looked into the soul of another boy!

My brain has too many tabs open.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody…

Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.

Life is too short not to live it dangerously… or at least get a tattoo!

The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I would never join a club that would have me as a member.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things!

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system. Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain! Dave Attell

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I used to get sick a lot… that’s why I started hanging out with the sick people! Unknown